Wine’s War on Women

It seems the most put upon and abused people in American society today are blacks and women. Blacks apparently have it worse, judging by the reporting. If you were to judge their state by reports of the “black community,” you would think most everybody is at war (figure of speech) with the black community. Conservatives hate blacks, whites hate blacks, the cops are killing blacks, and illegals are taking their jobs, leaving them disproportionately under- and unemployed.

Women, by comparison, have it relatively easy, for they have but one true foe – Republican men. Yes, the Republican “War on Women” has been well documented by the mainstream press. And it’s been easy, because everyone knows we hate women – especially strong and powerful women like Hillary Clinton. Just wait until she hits the campaign trail.

Yet, there is evidently a new foe that has joined in the battle against the fairer sex (am I allowed to say that anymore? Probably not).

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Rush Limbaugh dared to broach the topic yesterday when he discussed white wine’s “War on Women,” commenting on a UK Daily Mail article entitled “Does White Wine Really Send Women Crazy?” The taglines from the article written in December are: “Many women say they can no longer drink white wine. They complain it makes them upset, aggressive, and/or accident-prone.”

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The Daily Mail says that some experts blame the higher alcohol levels in white wine, but also the “higher levels of sugar and sulfites” in the adult beverage. Women complain that white wine “sends them mental,” almost psychotic.

“Researchers at the University of Missouri-Columbia found that not only do women get drunk faster, but their hangover symptoms were more severe – even though they drank the same amount as the men. Then there’s eating on it and the (or at least emptier than many a man’s) stomach, which one study likened to taking alcohol intravenously,” the article states.

And there you have proof positive of white wine’s conspiratorial War on Women.

Naturally, men desire a svelte woman, which forces them to drink the elixir on an empty stomach, which logically causes this white wine psychosis.

Need some more proof? Okay, how about this. Bacchus was the Roman god of wine – Dionysus was the Greek. Of course they were both men, who probably hated women. Whether they were Republican or not is undetermined.

Still not convinced that white wine was developed by men, because they hate women?

All right, what about medieval Europe. It was thought that women were not capable of producing wine – that it would just turn to vinegar. Yes, it’s a centuries-old conspiracy that women are just now figuring out.

And who are the majority of sommeliers in fine restaurants? You got it – men. These are the guys who are the in-house wine experts that make recommendations at your table in more upscale establishments. Naturally, they recommend the white wine for the lady.

And what about the vintners themselves? Who is it that runs the vineyards that produces this heinous intoxicant the causes such psychotic episodes in women? Again – it’s men of course.

I believe this is proof enough that white wine and conservative men are indeed at war with women.

Of course, white wine can always be outlawed, given enough political pressure. Can the same be done to Republican men?

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