Federal Flipper Regulators


Not content with their big government role micromanaging virtually every aspect of human existence, federal regulators are attempting to expand their influence to the lower animal kingdom, specifically spinner dolphins. If successful, the fed’s purview would include not only the landmasses of the United States, but also their adjoining oceans. Specifically, these rule-makers are trying to prohibit the human leisure activity of swimming with dolphins. Their reasoning is that these nocturnal sea dwellers are fatigued by daytime frolicking. Therefore, dolphins will abstain from such future exertions if their human playmates are banned from their habitat. (It’s magical thinking, a kind of reverse osmosis.)

To reach this busybody conclusion, the faceless bureaucracy apparently consulted with a second federal agency in Hawaii: the National Marine Fisheries Service (NMFS). Given the largesse of two government entities, one can naturally assume that a pricey blue ribbon panel of “animal whispers” was employed to ascertain Flipper’s “stressed” condition. One further surmises that a consensus of his finned compatriots has similarly been accomplished. One is only left to wonder if there is a congressional dolphin lobby already in place, and if so, what further workplace accommodations will Flipper demand of his Washington “Fisher Kings”?

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