"We've got to accelerate the transition away from dirty energy. Rather than subsidize the past, we should invest in the future especially in communities that rely on fossil fuels. That's why I'm going to push to change the way we manage our oil and coal resources, so that they better reflect the costs they impose on taxpayers and our planet." That's what the president exclaimed in his dog and pony show on Tuesday night.

But really, is it already too late for that? Americans have been told that global warming will surely cause worldwide drought. At the same time, it will cause massive coastal flooding, due to melting of all the ice over the entire globe. Even the ice in your freezer will melt.

I suppose, then, for those living along the coast, it will get really wet, and for those living inland (assuming there is any inland), there will be barren conditions, not to mention packing more and more people into an ever-shrinking land mass– so I guess it's pick your poison. This is what the so-called global warming experts tell us.

Now, for those poor saps living inland, it will be difficult to plant and grow crops. Subsistence will be very limited as crops wither away. And with dwindling land mass, overcrowding or overpopulation will be the unfortunate result. Add to the dwindling land mass the fact that humans seem to be getting larger and taller with each passing generation. Whatever are we to do? Just accept extinction?

Worry not, for the Darwinians are here to save us, with one of the latest evolutionary theories on just how we solve the coming overpopulation crisis.

Dutch artist Arne Hendriks claims that the planet's growing population will become a real problem. This pace, he says, as do other overpopulationists, is unsustainable. He tells us that, "For much of the history of humankind, bigger has been better. As our ancestors got taller, they became faster and stronger, giving them the ability to better hunt food and avoid predators. But in a world where we no longer need to fight for our meals, our height offers no real advantage – being tall is no longer a desired result in an age of increasing scarcity." He points to a study in Nature, which "claims human actions are now changing the planet producing a new geological epoch, in which humans are causing widespread damage to the planet."

And his answer to solving this new geological epoch is, "if we could shrink our size down to just 50cm, we would need only two to five per cent of the resources required by an average-sized human." 50cm is about 20 inches, or, as Hendriks puts it, about the size of a chicken.

Of course, we can no longer leave something so pressing to natural evolution. No, we'll have to tweak it by cooking up "some type of elixir that will slow growth. Another way to do this would be to tweak our DNA."

Okay, so the inland problem is solved. We'll all be the size of chickens. Hopefully, we won't also taste like chicken, or that may cause us problems dealing with our pets.

What about the coastal flooding problem? Does anyone know how long chicken people may float? There's no need to find out because "Global warming could cause humans to develop webbed feet, cat's eyes and gills."

Dr Matthew Skinner, a paleoanthropologist at the University of Kent in merry old England is definitely a scientist and definitely not a kook. He expects humans "would develop webbed hands [and feet] and eyes like those of cats to help us see in the poor lighting conditions underwater and an extra translucent eyelid to protect the eyes from water. We would also retain a layer of baby fat into adulthood as an insulator for spending long periods submerged. Regular foraging in shallow waters could lead us to develop 'gills' to help us breathe, extracting oxygen from the water and delivering it to the bloodstream."

So there you have it. All is not lost. Now it's just a matter of deciding which species you prefer – Chicken-man or Aqua-man. But choose wisely. I'm guessing that once you transform into a tiny Chicken-man, there's no going back.

And don't even get me started on inter-species hook-ups. What would an Aqua-Chicken look like? This is what passes for real science. These people are nuts!

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