Holiday Travel Greetings from the TSA


[Note: Remain calm. What follows is (mostly) satire.]

The Transportation Security Agency (TSA) has announced new airport security measures for the upcoming holiday travel season. Spokesmen tell us these necessary precautions need not impede the ordinary citizen’s progress through the system, nor cause any undo inconvenience. It is recommended that airline customers keep telling themselves these things are for their own good, over and over, as often as needed to bring a sense of calm.(By the way, it is important to remain calm, as the TSA is now deploying covert scanners that can detect passengers in line who are unusually agitated.)

Beginning immediately, each traveler over the age of twelve years will need to present two (2) forms of picture ID. One of these forms cannot be a driver’s license, Passport, Social Security Card, Military ID, Gym Membership, or work-related ID. Other forms of picture ID will probably be acceptable. You can check to make sure your ID will work by mailing in your completed TSA form 5757/D not less than 90 days from your flight.

Travelers 12 and under will need three (3) such forms of ID, and will be implanted with a sub-dural RFID tracking chip at the baggage check-in counter.

In addition to the famous and wildly popular grope-down searches that are normally conducted on a random basis on registered Republicans and radio talk-show hosts, the TSA will be unveiling new anal cavity searches for the Thanksgiving rush. These are completely voluntary, though, as you cannot be forced to go through one: You can choose not to fly instead.

For security documentation purposes, all anal cavity searches performed on females between the ages of 14 and 55 will be digitally filmed, and each episode will be stored online in a completely secure database, accessible only to those who pay a hefty subscription fee, called nastyairportparty.com.

In addition, travelers will be required to submit names, phone numbers, and addresses of at least two character references who can verify that they are probably not Islamic extremists; and, that they don’t care too much about the Bill of Rights.

To verify that passengers claiming to be American actually are, they may be asked one or more security questions to test the genuineness of their patriotism. Some of these include:

Who won the 1968 World Series?

Which sport is it that has a World Series, again?

Tiger Woods plays which sport? Which has he scored more, eagles or easy, White babes?

Name five winners of American Idol? How many Mormons did you just name?

Name any new television comedy or drama which does not feature a morally virtuous, gay hero who is constantly shown to be superior in every way to the doltish idiot who holds traditional values. (Trick question.)

Of course, now that we’ve broadcast these particular questions, they will be thrown out. You will be asked new, tougher ones. So be sure to watch about 14 hours of television a day, staying far away from anything like a news network or documentary channel, just for the sake of doing your homework.

* * * * *

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Comments

comments

  • http://villastordera.clubvillamar.co.uk/findAllVillas.php?filter=Tordera&lang=en villa Tordera

    Awesome post.. thanks for being with us or share this great information or understand the role of this TSA in holiday...Amazing sharing...

  • Christine

    When are people going to stop posting stuff that is no true, if this was true it would be posted here!

    http://www.tsa.gov/traveler-information/acceptable-ids

  • Ron G

    An excellent security update for the holiday season would be the removal of the TSA!

  • glass

    This is why I am driving for the holidays.

  • makes cents

    What is the purpose of this article? We all know the TSA is corrupt. Take the train.

  • jim in TX

    Remember "WE are From Government we are here to help You"

    please leave all change from Your pockets and all credit cards

    We will use them as We see fit.

  • R.Young

    American Home Grown Terrorists will not be flying this Holiday Season and everybody knows who they are!

  • A Patriot

    Sorry, not something to joke about. Kind of like Gestopo jokes in Auschwitz.

    • JELang

      True

    • Trixie

      True. But if I cannot laugh about it, I will cry about it. Suffice it so say I'm keeping my powder dry.

    • Trixie

      Suffice it TO say. Sorry

  • VINCERE

    I have two words for the TSA starting with the HEAD OF THE TSA.....PHUCKYOUALL

    • VINCERE

      Well, alright it's actually three words into one.

    • 2War Abn Vet

      That's okay, Biden would approve of the math.

  • Guest

    I still don't understand how anyone can actually fly, now-a-days... Can't believe they'd actually put themselves thru this unAmerican molestation.

  • mogul264

    The US TSA is not alone in their eagerness to 'grope'! This summer I went to Europe, and had to transfer plates at Heathrow in England. Now, I NEVER left the terminal area, NEVER even left the plane access level, but, before allowed to board my next flight, I was subjected to such a groping as I've NEVER had (even from any old girlfriends or my wife!), that I actually believe I am now engaged to a security agent there, a Sikh guard!

    Understand, I am a 72 year-old, white male, I have a metal knee replacement, so I told them ahead, and offered to show my scar. I expected a special hand-wanding, or even a full body-scan, but NO, I got the WORKS! i FULLY believe the security guy (not even a FEMALE, DANG IT!) now knows if I have had a circumcision, or not!

    • Trixie

      I ask for the grope each and every time I fly. I keep getting women gropers...darn it...I'm starting to like it!

    • Mary Mohanan

      Oh Trixie !!! Let's fly more often! Next spring would be great....if the big black s.u.v. hasn't picked us up before that time. :)

  • fliteking

    I would not want to be a TSA employee if the Liberals are successful in collapsing the economy.

    That would suck, but they earned what they get.

  • retiredmillwright

    Citizens show your papers to the SS lieutenant dressed in
    black. If any discrepancies are found or you fail to answer the questions to
    our satisfaction you will be detained indefinitely. Have a nice day.